# 201, To Go or Not To Go, That is the Question

TEASER

Stephens’ Breakfast Room:

• Script: Darrin enters, completely absorbed in a sheaf of papers. He aims a kiss at Samantha, but misses. She has to say, "Good morning" twice before he replies and then it is to say, “Orange, grapefruit juice, anything . . .”. They continue with how he wants his eggs, soft boiled, sunny side up, scrambled . . Samantha finally tells him she can change the eggs into waffles, or a pancake, or an omelet. He still pays no attention. . Finally Samantha asks if he had trouble sleeping last night since it was so hot. Darrin replies that if it is hot, he will have a cup.
• Episode: The lines about the juice are cut as are most of the lines about the eggs. The bit about the pancakes is cut as well as Samantha’s line about the trouble sleeping, and Darrin’s reply.
  
  
• Script: Endora POPS in with a gift box. After Endora’s line about Darrin being a terrible tiger, the script continues:
  ENDORA: [puts the gift box in front of Darrin] Maybe this will make you purr. [Darrin and Samantha exchange looks as Darrin opens the box] The house looks simply fabulous since you redecorated. You’re both to be complimented, . . .Samantha for your exquisite taste and you, Durwood, for not interfering.
  DARRIN: Gee, thanks. [Darrin has opened the box and takes out a tie, which he holds up]. Let me guess. As soon as I put it around my neck, it turns into a noose, right?
  ENDORA: I’m hurt. Crushed.
  SAMANTHA: It’s a little too early for your matinee performance, Mother. We’ll catch your evening show.
  DARRIN: As I was saying . . .the office has landed Gotham Industries. It’s a giant conglomerate [spelling error, but this is what is in the script].
  ENDORA: [shudders] Fearful looking creatures. But I thought they were extinct like dinosaurs.
  SAMANTHA: Mother, why don’t you go play with the children.
• Episode: All lines between the, “terrible tiger” line and the, “play with the children” line, are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  DARRIN: [picks up the tie and studies it] What do you suppose is wrong with this?
  SAMANTHA: It’s possible Mother just wanted to be nice.
  DARRIN: Your Mother?
  SAMANTHA: Let’s see if we can figure out what’s wrong with this. [they examine the tie as the scene fades out]
• Episode: The above scene is cut.

ACT I

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script: After Endora POPS into the living room she goes to the sofa and sits.
• Episode: Endora has lines added about how beautiful the house is and that it , "is Samantha".
  
  
• Script: Endora gives Samantha the orders to attend the Convocation in Salem. Samantha refuses to go. Endora says it is not an invitation, but an order. Samantha still refuses to leave Darrin and go. She tells Endora to send her regrets.
• Episode: Most of this scene is cut.

Stephens’ Living Room: [later]

• Script: Endora has turned Darrin into a toad. With Endora’s line that she will turn Darrin back when he has come to his senses, the scene ends.
• Episode: Added at the end are lines by Samantha [after she picks up the toad] that for a toad, he is beautiful. She kisses the toad and remarks that he has cold lips.

Stephens’ Bathroom:

• Script: Samantha has lines about Darrin attacking all witches. She then says not all witches are like her mother; that her father can be very nice, and other witches have good qualities. She then asks what is to be done. [the toad croaks rapidly]. She continues, saying that giving her mother a case of warts won’t help. She then suggests turning herself into a toad.
• Episode: All lines between the comment on all witches and turning herself into a toad are cut. The scene ends with both of them making toad sounds.

Stephens’ Bedroom:

• Script: Samantha asks Darrin about getting out of the big account he talked Larry into. Darrin replies that he will talk Larry out of it in the morning.
• Episode: Between these lines are added lines by Darrin and Samantha. Darrin has lines where he says the same talent that talked Larry into giving him the account will talk him out of it. Samantha answers that Darrin said that the account was the biggest thing that ever happened to him. Darrin replies that Samantha is the biggest thing that ever happened to him.

ACT II

Larry’s Office:

• Script: Darrin says he has not had a vacation in two years. Larry replies that he doesn’t care if Darrin has not had a vacation in two hundred years.
• Episode: The lines are changed to four years and four hundred years.
  
  
• Script:
  LARRY: The word is outrageous. I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
  DARRIN: You could if you had any psychiatric insight. Would a normal man with my workload ask to handle an account as big as Gotham? It’s insanity!
  LARRY: But you said . . .
  DARRIN: My wanting the Gotham account was clearly an attempt to increase my work obligation to the breaking point in order to make it apparent to you that what I need is a vacation. [Larry looks at him like he really is “wigged out”]
  LARRY: That’s apparent to me now.
• Episode: All lines between the first and last lines are cut.

Darrin’s Office:

• Script: [there are intercuts between Darrin in his office and Samantha at home] Darrin calls Samantha to tell her he got out of the Gotham job. There is a long conversation about Darrin giving up the account. Samantha is still so shook up over the arrival of Hepzibah that she frequently makes no sense to Darrin. Feeling that something is wrong, Darrin says he is coming home. Samantha tells him not to rush, she is expecting company. Darrin wants to know who, and finding it is Hepzibah, he is more confused than ever.
• Episode: The above scene is entirely cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script: The script calls for Hepzibah’s arrival to be preceded by a crash of thunder, a bolt of lightning, three seconds of total darkness, a blare of trumpets, clashing of gongs and rolling of drums, and a military band playing, "Hail to the Chief". When the lights come back on, Hepzibah is seated on a throne with black panthers [script says they may be Russian Wolfhounds] on either side of her.
• Episode: There is no blackout. There is a strong wind. Most of the living room furniture disappears. There is a starburst just before Hepzibah appears. She has a Doberman on either side of her.
  
  
• Script: Hepzibah says that Darrin is “four hands” high.
• Episode: The height is properly corrected to “seventeen hands”.
  
  
• Script: In Hepzibah’s speech about always having a soft spot for Samantha, she refers to Samantha’s brief reign as queen.
• Episode: The reference to Samantha as queen is deleted.

Stephens’ Bedroom:

• Script: [Hepzibah has made Samantha and Darrin invisible and zapped them to their room]:
  DARRIN: Sam, I fail to see the humor in this situation.
  SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, just try and stay calm.
  DARRIN: Calm! That Grand Priestess of old bats makes us both invisible . . .what’s there to be calm about?
  SAMANTHA: Careful, Sweetheart. Hepzibah’s a very powerful witch and . . .
  DARRIN [interrupting] I don’t care. She has no right to do this to us.
  SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, you’re hardly in a position to debate the issue.
  DARRIN: Where I come from a man is measured by his principles . . .not his visibility.
• Episode: The above lines are cut and replaced with:
  SAMANTHA: Where are you going?
  DARRIN: Maybe I can’t be seen, but believe me I’m going to be heard.
  SAMANTHA: Be careful, Sweetheart.
  DARRIN: I’m merely going to tell that old bat what I think of her! [These lines appear in the script after Endora’s scene with Hepzibah].

TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script: Hepzibah’s last line is, "Well, you don’t expect me to live in a ghetto, do you?"
• Episode: “Ghetto”, is changed to, “hovel”.
  
  
• Script: Episode ends with Samantha and Darrin’s reaction to Hepzibah’s last line.
• Episode: The announcer, in a voiceover, has the line, “The fate of Samantha’s marriage hangs in the balance until Hepzibah makes her royal decision next week on Bewitched”.

# 203, The Salem Saga, part 1

TEASER

Stephens’ Entry:

• Script: The scene opens with the camera on four suitcases and a dressing case. The camera pulls back as Darrin appears:
  DARRIN: [calling] Sam, the cab’s here!
• Episode: The scene opens in the living room with Endora seated on the sofa holding Adam. Samantha and Tabitha stand next to her.
  SAMANTHA: [added line] I can’t imagine what’s keeping Esmeralda. [The scene shifts to the suitcases in the entry hall and follows the script].

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script: Adam is in his stroller.
• Episode: Endora holds Adam in her lap.
  
  
• Script: As Samantha and Darrin approach the door, Endora follows them, pushing Adam in his stroller.
• Episode: Endora remains seated with Adam in her lap.
  
  
• Script: After the cab driver’s line about “two witches of his own”, he exits with the bags as Darrin and Samantha ad-lib good-byes, and exit, with Tabitha, Endora and Adam waving from the doorway. The script calls for Endora to get Adam to do whatever he is capable of doing at his age.
• Episode: The “good-byes” are short. Tabitha remains near the sofa, Endora remains seated, Adam does little.

Interior of Airplane:

• Script: Calls for an interior pan showing passengers in the first class cabin, with few empty seats. The traveler’s are mainly businessmen and are well-established travelers. Some are sleeping, some reading, some listening to music. The stewardesses are shown “to-ing and fro-ing” as they serve the passengers.
• Episode: This pan scene is cut and the scene begins with a close-up of Darrin and Samantha with her line, “I hope Esmeralda’s gotten to the house by now”.

ACT I

Airplane Interior with View of One Wing:

• Script: A woman passenger sees Endora on the wing and calls the stewardess for a glass of water to take some pills. In leaning over, the stewardess also sees Endora, but acts to cover up what she has seen. The stewardess gives the woman a glass of water, and exits with as much dignity as she can muster. The woman takes more pills.
• Episode: The woman asks for water, the stewardess sees Endora, and gets the woman a glass of water. She is not shown giving the water to the woman, nor is the woman shown taking additional pills.

Airplane Galley:

• Script: [Stewardess Elsie is preparing a tray of coffee when stewardess # 1 runs in.]
  STEWARDESS # 1: Elsie, now there are two of them out there on the wing.
  ELSIE: [regards her, smiles] Wow, you must have had some night!
  STEWARDESS # 1: [trying to cope] Not really. Just went to dinner at the Vagabundo with that writer from Hollywood.
  ELSIE: [kindly] I have two pieces of advice for you. Stay away from Italian food and Hollywood writers for a while. [Stewardess # 1 nods affirmatively but blankly].
• Episode: After the line, “You must have had some night!” the rest of the conversation is cut.
  
  
• Script: Stewardess # 1 has dragged Elsie to a window near the galley where they can see the wing. There is no one there. Stewardess # 1 bumps her head as she stands erect.
  ELSIE: What did you and your writer friend do after dinner?
  STEWARDESS # 1: Nothing. He dropped me at my apartment and he didn’t even come up for a nightcap.
  ELSIE: [wisely] Your problem is simple. Tonight, find yourself a guy who’ll come up for a nightcap. [Elsie exits, leaving a glassy-eyed stewardess behind].
• Episode: After Stewardess # 1 bumps her head, the scene ends.

Airfield:

• Script: A boarding ramp has been pushed up to the plane and passengers are disembarking.
• Episode: The scene begins with a shot of the airplane landing, and then shifts to the disembarking scene in the script.

Salem Street:

• Script: A sign tells us that we’re in Salem. It is a caricature of an old hag witch with a sign stating: “Freedom Trail”, etc.
• Episode: This bit is omitted

The House of Seven Gables:

• Script: Miss Ferndale is describing the contents of the House of Seven Gables to a group of tourists, including Darrin and Samantha. She mentions a Georgian sideboard with Gesso figurines, and a chair made by a local carpenter when Salem was known as Naumqueeg, which was later changed to Shalom [the Hebrew word for peace], and finally corrupted to Salem.
• Episode: The bit about the Georgian sideboard is cut. The remainder of the speech is made a background [with only part of it being heard] for Samantha’s fight with the bedwarmer as it blocks her entering the living room.

ACT II

Hotel Room:

• Script: [Endora has arrived and been told about the bedwarmer]
  ENDORA: [takes bedwarmer] He’s probably a Warlock whose powers weren’t too effective.
  SAMANTHA: Why do you say that?
  ENDORA: He may not have been able to protect himself; and somebody changed him into an inanimate object to escape detection.
  SAMANTHA: And then forgot to change him back.
  ENDORA: Apparently.
• Episode: In the above sequence, all of Samantha’s lines are cut, and Endora’s lines are compressed into, “He’s probably a Warlock whose powers weren’t too effective; and somebody turned him into an inanimate object to escape detection.
  
  
• Script:
  DARRIN: [to Samantha] Anyway, do you realize the trouble we can get into if this thing is found in our possession?
  ENDORA: As far as I’m concerned Durwood, your trouble began the day you were born.
  SAMANTHA: Mother, will you stop heckling and let’s try and get this . . .this . . .whoever he is, restored.
• Episode: Endora and Samantha’s lines are cut.

TRAILER

Hotel Room:

• Script and Episode agree.

Wild Lines: Additional background lines for Miss Ferndale while Samantha fights with the bedwarmer in the House of Seven Gables:
MISS FERNDALE: If you will follow me to the window, you will see out in the garden a complex of three other seventeenth century houses that were restored and moved here. To the right is Nathaniel Hawthorne’s birthplace. Directly across from us is the Retire Becket House, built in 1655 and the other is the Hathaway House built in 1682…

# 204, Samantha’s Hot Bed Warmer, part 2

TEASER

Salem Street Outside Hawthorne Hotel:

• Script: The CAMERA pans off of establishing sign and continues to pan the Salem Common. Overlays announce:

  1] Salem, Mass.
  2] Part Two of the “Salem Saga”.
  3] CAMERA zooms in on a police car parked in front of the hotel, overlaid with, “Samantha’s Hot Bedwarmer”.

• Episode: The scene opens with a view of a police car in front of the Hawthorne Hotel. The “Old Timer”, Charlie Potter, is relaying to a group of tourists how the witches changed the street signs, and that now the police have gone up to arrest them for stealing a bedwarmer.

Hotel Room:

• Script:
  SAMANTHA: Darrin, there’s a warlock in there. My witchcraft doesn’t have any effect if it’s against his will.
  DARRIN: [sarcastically] And I wish what you’re saying didn’t have any effect on my hearing.
• Episode: Darrin’s line is changed to, “You witch’s have the dumbest rules at the dumbest times”.
  
  
• Script: Calls for Darrin to open the closet door and Samantha to put the bedwarmer in the closet.
• Episode: Samantha opens the closet door and puts the bedwarmer inside.
  
  
• Script: MISS FERNDALE: How you thought you could get away with it, I’ll never understand.
• Episode:
  MISS FERNDALE: I’ll never understand how you thought you could get away with it.
  DARRIN: With what?

ACT I

Police Station:

• Script: [The police sergeant is just dismissing Mr. Potter, the Old Timer]
  DESK SERGEANT: Okay Mr. Potter, We’ll put you in cell # 2 where you’ll have a nice clean bed and you can sleep it off.
  OLD TIMER: [motioning toward Samantha and Darrin] These are the ones I told you about - -they changed the Old Witch sign. The one that disappeared isn’t here.
  DESK SERGEANT: [patronizingly] Yeah, Mr. Potter - -yeah - -a couple of days off the sarsaparilla and you’ll feel fine. [The sergeant hands some keys to officer # 2 who is still holding the bedwarmer] You can lock the evidence in the closet. [As officer # 2 crosses to comply] Since Mr. Stephens’ has assumed full responsibility for this theft, you can go home Mrs. Stephens [to officer # 1] You can put Mr. Stephens in cell # 1.
  OFFICER # 1: They still haven’t fixed the leak in the roof in cell # 1.
  SAMANTHA: Now, just a minute. Isn’t it against the constitution to put someone in a leaky cell?
  DESK SERGEANT: Okay, put him in Cell # 2 with Mr. Potter.
  SAMANTHA: [to Darrin] See, you gotta stand up for your rights.
  DARRIN: [wryly] Gee, thanks. Sergeant, my wife isn’t the only one who knows something about the law. What about setting bail?
  DESK SERGEANT: Magistrate has to do that.
  DARRIN: Then I demand to see the Magistrate!
  OLD TIMER: Second the demand!
  DESK SERGEANT: You’ll see him. First thing tomorrow when court’s in session.
  OFFICER # 1: Let’s go. Mr. Potter. [he guides the Old Timer]
  OLD TIMER: I want to leave an eight o’clock call.
  SAMANTHA: Darrin, don’t be upset. I’ll have you out of here in no time.
  DESK SERGEANT: Doubt that! You rob a bank in this town, you might have a chance to get off. But anyone touches anything in one of the old houses up here is in deep trouble. You’ll be lucky if you get off with six months.
  SAMANTHA: Six months?!! Darrin, that’s terrible.
  DARRIN: You’re telling me.
  SAMANTHA: It’s going to spoil our whole vacation. [whispering] Don’t worry, Sweetheart - - I’ll somehow straighten this out at the convention tonight.
  DARRIN: [not convinced] Sure.
• Episode: The entire jail scene is deleted.

Witches Convocation:

• Script:
  ENDORA: [calling out] All right, it’s time to get started. Let’s settle down ,shall we? [Nobody pays the slightest attention] [Endora a little louder] I said the meeting is about to commence [she still gets no response. She waves angrily and the peals of thunder and bursts of lighting cause a dead silence].
  SAMANTHA: Mother, I think you got their attention.
• Episode: All but the first sentence of Endora’s opening line are cut.
  
  
• Script: Endora tells Samantha she has 10 seconds to state her case. After a no response start, Samantha goes into a speeded up dialog describing her problem.
• Episode: The speeded up part is cut.

Salem Jail:

• Script:
  OFFICER # 2: What’s all the fuss?
  OLD TIMER: Wouldn’t believe me when I told you they was witches! Okay, explain how she got in here.
  OFFICER # 2: Who?
  OLD TIMER: [turning and pointing] Her! [he stares as he sees that Samantha is gone].
  OFFICER # 2: What’re you talking about, Charlie?
  OLD TIMER: There was a beautiful blonde lady standing right there.
  OFFICER # 2: [to Darrin] Well, that’s an improvement over snakes.
  OLD TIMER: What . . .what happened to her?
  OFFICER # 2: Charlie, go back to sleep.
• Episode: After the Old Timer’s line [turning and pointing] Her!, the rest of the scene is cut except the last line where, “Charlie” is changed to, “Mr. Potter”.

ACT II

Witches Convocation:

• Script: [In response to Endora’s call, Serena has popped in]
  SAMANTHA: Hello, Serena.
  SERENA: Hi, Sammy.
  SAMANTHA: [to Endora] No wonder the bedwarmer followed me. [to Serena] He must have thought I was you.
  SERENA: You’re not only responsible for this little trip, but you greet me with an insult.
  SAMANTHA: I’m sorry, Serena, but you know it’s an emergency.
  SERENA: Yes, but I was being entertained by the Maharajah of Ranipur. And if you know the Maharajah . . .[a flip of her eyebrows] . . . that can be pretty entertaining!
  SAMANTHA: Well, you can go back as soon as you restore the bedwarmer. [afterthought] Why did you do it in the first place?
  SERENA: You can’t believe what a drag that guy Newton was. As if we didn’t have enough trouble in those days, he kept bugging me to marry him! He wouldn’t leave me alone, so I put him in cold storage.
• Episode: After Serena’s, “Hi’ Sammy”, the rest of the scene is cut.

A Street in Old Salem:

• Script: [Serena POPS in. She enters the shot where a woman sits imprisoned in the stocks]
  SERENA: Widow Patterson, what has happened to thee?
  AMELIA: I am accused of being a witch.
  SERENA: That is ridiculous. Thou art not a witch!
  AMELIA: Aye, thou knowest that, and I know it, and we both know there are no such things as Witches. But the madness of the times is upon us and no one is safe.
  SERENA: Thou canst say that again. Hadn’t thou best get out of town?
  AMELIA: How?
  SERENA: Good question. I shall think on it.
  AMELIA: Thou art very kind, Serena. [the CAMERA follows Serena some distance from the pillory, she then waves.
• Episode: From Widow Patterson’s first line on, the scene is cut. Serena opens the pillory at close range.

Serena’s Home:

• Script: Several times in the scene in Serena’s house, Captain Harkness is referred to.
• Episode: The name “Harkness” is changed to “Nichols”.
  
  
• Script: The last line of the spell to change Newton into a bedwarmer is, “ Zip-zap, You’re now a bedwarmer”.
• Episode: The “Zip-zap” is changed to “Zippity-zappity”.

Witches Convocation:

• Script: SERENA: Sammy, would it be so terrible if Darrin spent a year or two in jail?
• Episode: “Darrin” is changed to “Ding-dong”.

Salem Jail:

• Script: [Samantha has gotten the bedwarmer out of the closet][she chants]

Rumblety, stumblety, knickery, knack
This is the spell that will bring you back
First a warlock then a bedwarmer
Zip-zap, now you’re the former.

• Episode: “bring you back” is altered to “change you back”. “Zip-zap” is changed to “Zippity-zappity”.

Police Station:

• Script: [Samantha and Newton come out of the closet. She locks the door. As she and Newton exit, she TWITCHES at the desk sergeant who begins to wake up. The phone rings]
  DESK SERGEANT: [into phone] Sergeant McCarty speaking . . .Oh, yes. Yes, your honor. Right away! [he hangs up crosses to the closet , unlocks it, opens the door and stares into the closet] Holy Mackerel!! We’ve been robbed!
• Episode: This scene is cut.

TRAILER

Courtroom:

• Script and Episode agree.

# 207, Samantha’s Bad Day in Salem

TEASER

Hotel Suite Bedroom:

• Script: DARRIN: You know, you witches aren’t half bad.
• Episode: DARRIN: You know, some of you witches aren’t half bad.

Witches Convocation:

• Script: SAMANTHA: Oh, come on Waldo, grow up. I’m happily married with two beautiful children.[An o. s. voice calls Samantha. She excuses herself from Waldo and exits]. Well, excuse me, I see some friends.
• Episode:
  SAMANTHA: Oh, come on Waldo, grow up. I’m happily married with two beautiful children.
  WALDO: But to a mortal - - -that doesn’t count. [no o. s. voice is heard]
  SAMANTHA: Silly! Well, excuse me, I’m needed.[she exits].
  
  
• Script: [Waldo’s incantation to bring “Samantha” to him]:

Fly into my nest, my love
Though you may be second best, my love
Though you’re not flesh and bone
At least you’re mine and mine alone.

• Episode: [Waldo’s incantation]:

Fly into my nest, my love
Though you may be second best, my love
Though you’re only make believe, my love
At least you’re mine to see, my love.

• Script:
  MIRABELLE: She’s air, Waldo. You make her up in that sick brain of yours.
  WALDO: I’d rather live with the image of a lost love than live a life with someone I don’t care for.
  MIRABELLE: You call this living? Three hundred years pining over one skinny witch?
• Episode: MIRABELLE: She’s air, Waldo. You make her up in that sick brain of yours. All these centuries pining over one skinny witch.

ACT I

Hotel Suite Living Room:

• Script:
  DARRIN: If she’s the chairman, it should be the Ways to be Mean Committee. No kidding, Samantha. What goes on there at night?
  SAMANTHA: Well, mother gave a demonstration of Incantations, Past, Present, and Future. Dr. Borgia had a workshop on the use and abuse of love potions. There was a symposium on the generation gap in the witch world.
  DARRIN: I’m sorry I asked.
• Episode: After Darrin’s first line, the rest of the above is cut.
  
  
• Script:
  DARRIN: [to Samantha] He means we can’t keep living in the past but he can keep bothering me in the present.
  LARRY: [conning] Isn’t it apparent how desperately your friend who has and would still go through fire and water for you needs you to personally handle the Blakely account. [Darrin crosses over and gets the material he was working on as]:
  DARRIN: The closest I can get to that is to personally hand you the roughs to my presentation. Take them back with my blessing.
• Episode: Larry’s lines are cut. Darin’s last lines are changed to, “Here are the roughs on my presentation. Take them back with my blessings.
  
  
• Script: [Samantha exits]: LARRY: How about it, kid?
• Episode: LARRY: How about it friend? - -Aren’t you going to eat any of it after all the trouble I went to.

Statue of Nathaniel Hawthorne:

• Script: [Darrin is focusing his camera on the statue. Larry is beside him].
  DARRIN: I’ve been learning a lot about early American history. It’s interesting that Nathaniel Hawthorne’s ancestors actually presided at the witchcraft trials.
  LARRY: Speaking of witchcraft . . .that’s what it’s going to take to save the Blakely account.
  DARRIN: Get over there. I’ll take your picture with Roger Conant. He led one of the first bands to settle Salem in 1626. That old boy goes back a long way.
  LARRY: Have you ever given any thought to how far back our friendship goes? Tell you what: ONE day!
• Episode: This scene is cut.

Compound Next To The House Of The Seven Gables:

• Script:
  “SAMANTHA”: Don’t think I haven’t paid in loneliness . . .
  REVIEWER’S NOTE: The script cues for Waldo’s created “Samantha” are always given in quotation marks. The delivery of the lines is very robotic.
  WALDO: More.
  “SAMANTHA”: . . .and longing.
• Episode: These lines are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  “SAMANTHA”: But can a bird stop singing. Can a star stop twinkling?
  WALDO: Ah, I see you’ve developed a talent for saying things poetically.
  “SAMANTHA”: [looking into his eyes] I’ve had a good teacher.
• Episode: The “can a bird stop singing and a star stop twinkling” statements are reversed. The other lines are cut.

Arbor Setting:

• Script: [“Samantha” and Waldo are on a bench. Mirabelle materializes in front of them].
  MIRABELLE: You’re at it again, huh. My son the warlock and little Miss Nothing.
  WALDO: She’ll do until the real thing comes along.
  MIRABELLE: The real thing is along. She’s at the meetings every night.
  WALDO: I’m aware of that.
  MIRABELLE: You’re a warlock for Satan’s sake. Break up the marriage, turn her husband into a tomato plant or something, and take off with her.
  WALDO: Nag, nag, nag. [He snaps his fingers and Mirabelle vanishes] Oh. What shall we do, Samantha?
  “SAMANTHA”: What can we do?
  WALDO: Perhaps if I met your husband and learned to hate him, I could force myself to get rid of him. [smiles] Yes. Of course. That’s it.
• Episode: All except Waldo’s line about meeting and learning to hate Darrin are cut.

Hotel Dining Room:

• Script: SAMANTHA: [pointedly] We’re just about to order lunch, Waldo.
• Episode: SAMANTHA: Waldo, if you don’t mind, we’re just about to order lunch.

Larry’s Hotel Room:

• Script:
  LARRY:. . . . So forget the whole thing and go down and enjoy lunch.
  DARRIN: What were they doing?
  LARRY: Just having a chat.
  DARRIN: Then what are you so nervous about?
  LARRY: I’m only nervous because I knew that when you found out you’d be nervous.
• Episode: The above is cut.

ACT II

Hotel Dining Room:

• Script: [Samantha and Waldo are seated in a booth].
  SAMANTHA: And remember, Waldo, none of your tricks.
• Episode: [Samantha and Waldo are seated at the same table as the earlier dining room scenes. Before Samantha’s line the following is added]:
  WALDO: Ready for lunch?
  SAMANTHA: Really, Waldo, I can’t have lunch with you. I really should go upstairs.
  
  
• Script:
  WALDO: [to “Samantha”] Then why did you leave me so abruptly?
  “SAMANTHA”: Because the closeness of you frightens me. But I am no longer afraid. [Darrin enters, stops as he hears]:
  WALDO’S VOICE: Tell me more my sweet.
  “SAMANTHA’S” VOICE: Not here, my darling.
• Episode: After Waldo’s first line, the above is cut.
  
  
• Script: [The waiter over-reacts when Darrin becomes a crow. He downs every drink on the tray he was preparing].
  WALDO: I’m sorry Samantha. But I do detest violence.
  “SAMANTHA”: You had to protect yourself.
• Episode: The waiter is not shown to drink anything. The lines are cut.

Hotel Bedroom:

• Script: [The crow is packing a suitcase]:
  SAMANTHA: . . .I had nothing to do with it. [The crow caws angrily at her]. I said I was sorry. Please give me a chance to help you. [The crow continues packing]. Now what’s the point of packing? You’d never get the suitcase off the ground. . . Okay, go ahead and be stubborn . . .I won’t try to reason with you when you’re in this mood.
• Episode: This bit is cut.

Hotel Bedroom – Later:

• Script:
  SAMANTHA: Don’t you think I deserve an explanation?
  DARRIN: I think you should be doing the explaining.
  SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, I haven’t the vaguest . . .
  DARRIN: [interrupting] Sweetheart? Can you call me sweetheart with a straight face?
  SAMANTHA: I love you.
  DARRIN: You can say I love you with a straight face?
  SAMANTHA: Sorry. Just you talk.
  DARRIN: This afternoon Larry saw you and “Waldo the Warlock” at the House of the Seven Gables.
  SAMANTHA: Waldo and me? That’s impossible!
  DARRIN: [stops for a moment] Come on Sam, you were there in the bar when he zapped me into a bird.
  SAMANTHA: [bewildered] This is crazy.
  DARRIN: I can’t argue with that.
  SAMANTHA: [thoughtfully] Would you believe Serena?
  DARRIN: [pauses] I’d like to.
  SAMANTHA: [shakes her head] Forget it. She hates Waldo.
• Episode: Except for Darrin’s line about Larry seeing Samantha and Waldo, and Samantha’s reply, the entire scene is cut.
  
  
• Script: [Waldo has made his “Samantha” appear].
  WALDO: Real to nobody but myself. It’s a foolish fantasy, I know, but I assure you a harmless one.
  “SAMANTHA” [pointing at Darrin] Who’s that?
• Episode: “Samantha” has the lines added, “Oh, Waldo. It has been almost an hour since I’ve seen you. I’ve been so lonesome and sad. Oh. I love you, Waldo. I love you with all my heart and mind.”
  
  
• Script: [Larry enters the living room but can see Waldo and “Samantha” through the bedroom door].
  LARRY: I’m sorry Samantha, but this is something I’ve got to do.
• Episode: [When Larry enters he hears the following]:
  “SAMANTHA”: Oh, Waldo. I love you more than life itself.

TRAILER

Hotel Suite – Bedroom:

• Script: SAMANTHA: We have a choice. We could tell him I was having a mad impetuous fling or we could tell him I’m a witch. {Darrin reacts, Samantha smiles] or we could tell him it was Serena he saw.
• Episode: [Added lines]:
  SAMANTHA: We have a choice. We could tell him I was having a mad fling - -
  DARRIN: Sure!
  SAMANTHA: Or we could tell him I’m a witch.
  DARRIN: Now that’d be terrific.
  SAMANTHA: Or we could tell him it was Serena he saw.
  
  
• Script: [Waldo turns Larry into a human again. Larry is on his back]:
  DARRIN: You led with a right cross . . .
  SAMANTHA: . . . .and Waldo came back with a karate chop.
• Episode: [Larry wakes up sitting in a chair]
  DARRIN You led with a right cross . . .
  SAMANTHA: Waldo came back with a karate chop. He’s a very dangerous person.
  
  
• Script:
  WALDO: May I present my friend Serena.
  “SERENA”: Hi, sugar puss.
• Episode:
  “SERENA”: Hi, cotton top.
  LARRY: Serena, your hair.
  “SERENA”: Someone said blonds had more fun. I thought I’d find out.
  
  
• Script: [Larry turns to Serena]: Serena, I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you and . . .
• Episode:
  LARRY: [added lines] Where have you two girls been? To a costume ball or something?
  SAMANTHA: That’s right. [Larry tries to embrace Serena, but she is just air. He stumbles back to the couch, holding his head in his hands].
  
  
• Script: LARRY: . . .I’m not feeling well. Could somebody give me a cup of caw . . .caw. . . cawfee?
• Episode: [After trying to embrace Serena, Larry stumbles back to his chair]:
  LARRY: I’m not feeling well. Could somebody give me a drink?
  SAMANTHA: How about some Old Crow?

# 208, Samantha’s Old Salem Trip

Reviewer’s Note: The original title of this script was, “Carry Me Back To Old Salem”.

TEASER

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script:
  SAMANTHA: [to Darrin] I’m sorry about running into that flock of geese. I just didn’t see them.
  DARRIN: It wouldn’t hurt if you looked where you were flying.
  SAMANTHA: Darrin, it was your idea to travel witches style. I would have gladly waited for the plane.
  DARRIN: You can’t blame me. The gall of that crack-pot witches coven. Ordering you not to be seen in public with me.
• Episode: [The above lines are changed to:]
  SAMANTHA: I’m sorry about running into that flock of geese. I just didn’t see them.
  DARRIN: In the first place, it wouldn’t hurt if you looked where you were flying. And in the second place, we shouldn’t have been flying in the first place.
  SAMANTHA: Darrin, when you said you wanted to go home right now, I believed you.
  DARRIN: I didn’t mean I wanted to fly the proud witch with the golden nose. The nerve of that crack-pot witches council. Ordering you not to be seen with me in public. NOTE: The script refers to the witches “coven”. The episode consistently changes “coven” to “Council”.

Old Salem:

• Script:
  MRS. FAIRLEY: Who art thou and why dost thee wander the streets in thine [a] underwear?
  SAMANTHA: I . . .don’t seem to remember that, either.
  MRS. FAIRLEY: Poor child! [b] Like as not thou hast been bewitched!
• Episode: [a] is changed to “undergarments”. Line [b] is cut.

Stephens’ ACT I

Living Room:

• Script:
  ENDORA: . . .Don’t you fret, Esmeralda. It’s his fault.
  DARRIN: [unbelieving] My fault? [a]
  ENDORA: For getting all shook up merely because the council insisted that you not be seen in public with Samantha during the convention. A perfectly rational demand.
  DARRIN: What you consider rational . . . .
  ENDORA: [interrupting] However, there’s no longer a problem. The council ordered Samantha to return to Salem and she did.
  DARRIN: [mad] And just what are you going to do about it?
• Episode: After [a], the lines are cut from the episode.
  
  
• Script: ENDORA: You have the retentive powers of an ape.
• Episode: ENDORA: You have the retentive powers of a Do-do Bird.

Old Salem Inn:

• Script:
  MRS: Fairley: [to Mr. Fairley] I have been thinking, perhaps we can employ this unfortunate girl as barmaid. [a]
  MR. FAIRLEY: [to Samantha] Hast thou ever served drinks? [Samantha pauses, searching her memory, then . . .
  SAMANTHA: Oh, yes, often. And I have served food also. To many people.
  MR. FAIRLEY: Ah, then thou hast labored at a tavern.
  SAMANTHA: No, I think it was in my home.
  MRS. FAIRLEY: Alas, she hath no memory of her past. She knows not even her name.
• Episode: After [a], the rest is cut.
  
  
• Script: As Darrin enters the tavern he sees a customer making a pass at Samantha.
• Episode: The customer who gooses Samantha is the ever-present extra, Gerald York.
  
  
• Script: [Darrin has been taken out to be put in the stocks:]
  SAMANTHA: [to Magistrate] I do not want him to suffer because of me.
  MAGISTRATE: That fellow needs to learn the value of morality.
  SAMANTHA: He must also learn the value of money. Imagine trying to give me a worthless coin. [Samantha looks at the coin thoughtfully as if trying to jar her memory.]
• Episode: These lines are cut.

ACT II

Old Salem Street:

• Script: [Samantha empties a pail of water on Darrin’s head:]
  SAMANTHA: [suppressing a laugh] Have thou had enough?
  DARRIN: [steaming] When we get back home - -if we get back home - -thou and me are going to have a little talk. And guess who’s going to be doing the listening!
• Episode: Darrin’s lines are cut.
  
  
• Script: [Standing in the stocks, Darrin sees Samantha being led toward him. As they approach him:]
  DARRIN: What is it? What happened?
  SAMANTHA: I am accused of witchcraft. All because of thee and thy ball point quill.
  DARRIN: [to Magistrate] You’ve got to be kidding! Where I come from, everybody has a pen like that.
  MAGISTRATE: [to one of the men] Release him.
  DARRIN: [confidently] You see? Once you apply simple logic, prejudice goes out the window. The reason you people are having all this trouble is because you insist on jumping to conclusions. I really worked up an appetite standing there all night. Where can I get something to eat?
  MAGISTRATE: In jail! [two of the men grab Darrin]
  DARRIN: Wait a minute! What do you think you’re doing?
  MAGISTRATE: It should be obvious. [holds up pen] The quill is thine. I charge thee also with witchcraft.
  DARRIN: [struggling] But I explained that to you! You can’t do this! I am not now, nor have I ever been a witch! [to Samantha] How can I make you understand?
  SAMANTHA: [sardonically] Try using some of that simple logic.
• Episode: This scene is cut.

Old Salem Jail:

• Script: [Darrin and Mr. Fairley, who has also been accused of witchcraft, share a jail cell. Samantha is in the next cell:]
  SAMANTHA: You must eat something, Master Fairley.
  MR. FAIRLEY: I am too sick of heart to eat.
  DARRIN: This bread would make anybody sick of heart.
• Episode: Master Fairley is not accused of witchcraft and is not in jail with Darrin and Samantha. His lines, and all references to him being in jail are deleted from the episode. Darrin’s line is changed to, “How can you eat this stuff?”
  
  
• Script:
  DARRIN: It’s a magic coin.
  SAMANTHA: Then thou art a witch!
  MR. FAIRLEY: Do not heed him. [a] It is the Devil’s coin.
  DARRIN: That’s no way to talk about my mother-in-law.
• Episode: The first part of Mr. Fairley’s line is cut and [a] is added to Samantha’s line. Darrin’s line is changed to, “That’s no way to talk about your mother.”

Witch House:

• Script: The Magistrate is robed and wigged. Samantha, Darrin, and Mr. Fairley stand before him.
• Episode: The Magistrate does not wear a wig. Mr. Fairley is present only in the audience.
  
  
• Script: Luther has lines about Samantha saying everyone is entitled to a fair trial, with Samantha’s replies.
• Episode: This scene is used as written, but moved to a later time, after the witness speaks about the pen having an unholy glow about it.
  
  
• Script: LUTHER: . . .and this stranger who bringeth this odd quill - -who be he, who speaketh in a manner that rings strangely in thine ear. . . .why doeth he speak thus . . .and act and look different from us … t’wer it not witchery within him?
• Episode: This scene is cut.
  
  
• Script: Samantha bows two times and on the third bow says the magic words.
• Episode: Samantha says one word with each bow, with the last word being after the last bow.
  
  
• Script:
  MAGISTRATE: And what is the basis for this absurd contention?
  SAMANTHA: Simple logic, which as your honor knows, is also the basis of the law . . .now, do you believe that witches have powers far beyond those of ordinary mortals?
• Episode: The lines by Samantha are cut.
  
  
• Script: Samantha starts a sizeable fire on the floor in front of her.
• Episode: Samantha starts the fire in a waste container.
  
  
• Script:
  MAGISTRATE: . . . This trial is declared a mistrial.
  SAMANTHA: [to Darrin] How did I do?
  DARRIN: If I knew where to locate an Oscar, I’d give it to you.
  SAMANTHA: Who needs an Oscar when I’ve got a Darrin? [She kisses him and takes his hand]
• Episode: After the Magistrate’s line, the rest is cut.

TRAILER

Stephens’ Kitchen:

• Script: The episode ends with Esmeralda doing a Spanish dance step.
• Episode: Added is the line by Samantha, “That’s interesting!”

# 209, Samantha’s Pet Warlock

TEASER

Stephens’ Patio:

• Script: ASHLEY: I swooped in on gossamer wings to rescue my lovely bird from this domestic cage. [a] Samantha, why don’t you let me take you away from this grubby existence?
• Episode: Inserted at [a]:
  SAMANTHA: I don’t need any rescuing.
  ASHLEY: But, you do!
  ENDORA: You’re right – I’ll leave you two young people alone.
  SAMANTHA: Mother, don’t go anywhere.
  ENDORA: Ta-ta. [Endora POPS out]
  SAMANTHA: Mother!
  
  
• Script: [Samantha takes her glove and exits into the house. Endora POPS in]
  ENDORA: Greetings. How’s the eternal triangle going?
  ASHLEY: Samantha’s a very strong-willed girl. She has to be to resist my charm.
  ENDORA: No one says no to you. It’s all an act. She’s just playing hard to get. [she gives him a little push] Now, go ahead.
  ASHLEY: Are you sure?
  ENDORA: Positive. [She POPS out. Ashley moves toward the house]
• Episode: The entire above scene is cut.

ACT I

Larry’s Office:

• Script:
  GIBBONS: Tate, I’m just guessing, but I’d say you have a dog with a lot of nervous energy . . .probably a large poodle.
  LARRY: That’s amazing. [a]
  GIBBONS: [pleased] You have a poodle?
  LARRY: No, but I’ve always wanted a poodle.
  GIBBONS: Oh? What kind of a dog do you have?
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  GIBBONS: Stephens, I would guessed you had that kind of dog.
  DARRIN: [not knowing if he’s been insulted or not] You would? [a]
  GIBBONS: Yep. All the really creative men I’ve ever known had mutts. They wouldn’t have any part of a pedigreed dog.
  LARRY: No kidding? Well, they don’t come any muttier than Darrin’s dog . . .right, Darrin?
  DARRIN: [chuckling nervously] You’d know better than I would Larry.
• Episode: All lines after [a] are cut.

City Dog Pound:

• Script: [Darrin and Larry arrive at the dog pound to look for a dog. The attendant doesn’t buy their description]:
  ATTENDANT: . . .and long hair in the back?
  DARRIN: That’s right. Also, there’s a white spot around one eye . . . .and a black spot around the other.
  ATTENDANT: [suspiciously] This gets better all the time.
  LARRY: And one other thing [he pulls chin] . . .it’s got a little goatee.
  ATTENDANT: [pulling his own chin] A little goatee? You’re sure it’s not a full beard? [yelling back to the dogs] All right back there, knock off the barking!
• Episode: The entire above conversation is cut.
  
  
• Script:
  LARRY: [aside to Darrin] Darrin, it’s perfect!
  DARRIN: You’re right. That’s the ugliest dog I have ever seen. [the dog snarls] . . .but cute [low to Larry] It acts like it understood me.
  ATTENDANT: I don’t know how I could have missed a dog like that.
• Episode: The above bit is cut.

Stephens’ Patio:

• Script: SAMANTHA: I know you’re in there, Ashley. Under all that funny looking dog is a rotten warlock. [The dog begins “talking” to Samantha in growls and barks]
  [Samantha, understanding] What? . . .so, I was right. [The dog gives two yips] Good. At least you’re man enough . . I mean, dog enough, to admit it. Now, didn’t you promise me you’d go away and stop bugging me?
• Episode: Samantha’s lines are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  DARRIN: That dog is an old friend? [a]
  SAMANTHA: Well, not exactly. Inside of that dog is an old friend.
  DARRIN: What do you mean “inside that dog is an old . . .[take] inside that dog is an old friend? [b]
  SAMANTHA: [brightly] Now you’re beginning to get it.
• Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. Samantha’s last line is changed to “That’s right”.

ACT II

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script: [Samantha is lecturing Ashley]
  SAMANTHA: I’m sorry Ashley! It was your idea to be a dog . . .so you’ll just have to relax and enjoy it until . . .[the dog barks] No you can’t go out and play . . .You’ll just have to sit here like a nice little puppy and wait for Darrin. He’s counting on you.
• Episode: These lines are cut.
  
  
• Script: Gladys comes over to snoop, using the excuse she wants to borrow some sugar.
• Episode: She asks to borrow some paprika.
  
  
• Script:
  GLADYS: I see you have a new doggy. He sure is interesting looking.
  SAMANTHA: Interesting? [a]
  GLADYS: Well . .. .uh . . .that may not be the word. He’s. . .uh. . .strange . . .well, I wouldn’t say strange [b] [stares at the dog] Mrs. Stephens, I hope you don’t mind . . .that dog is ugly. [The dog growls at Gladys. She backs up, afraid] [c]
  SAMANTHA: Ashley is a very sensitive dog, Mrs. Kravitz. He doesn’t like to be told he’s ugly.
  GLADYS: I didn’t mean any offense. It’s just that I prefer a dog that looks like a dog. [d]
• Episode: The lines between [a] and [b], and between [c] and [d] are cut.

Kravitz’s Living Room:

• Script:
  GLADYS: [pointing] No! They were all that dog!
  ABNER: [to Samantha] She’ll be okay in a minute. [giving Gladys a tablespoon full] Take it all Gladys. [screwing on cap] I’m going to have to start buying this stuff by the six pack. REVIEWER’S NOTE: In the first two seasons Gladys [Alice Pearce] was frequently shown taking her medicine. In the last six seasons I do not remember Gladys [Sandra Gould] ever being shown taking her medicine.
• Episode: The above scene is cut.

TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script:
  SAMANTHA: Goodbye Ashley. It’s been frantic.
  ASHLEY: You can’t blame a warlock for trying. [then . . .to Darrin] . . and, Durwood, anybody who goes through what you do, day after day, can’t be all bad.
  ENDORA: This is getting sickening. Let’s go Ashley.
• Episode: The lines by Ashley and Endora are cut.

# 210, Samantha’s Old Man

TEASER

Stephens’ Kitchen:

• Script:
  ENDORA: Isn’t the expression “broken out?”
  DARRIN: [a] Endora, not even your presence is going to spoil this day for me. [back to Samantha] [b] I finally broke eighty!
  SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, that’s wonderful.
  ENDORA: Eighty what?
  SAMANTHA: [dismissing it] Nothing, mother.
  ENDORA: Oh. [c] Endora waves her arms and we hear the sound of a cannon exploding.
  SAMANTHA: Mother, now cut that out!
  ENDORA: I’m giving him a twenty-one gun salute. [d]
• Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] and [c] and [d] are cut.

Stephens’ Hallway:

• Script: [Endora’s spell to turn Darrin into an old man:]

Odds plus odds adds up to even.
A curse be on one, Durwood Stephens.
Turn the future into present,
And zing it to the Dumb Dumb peasant.

• Episode: [The spell is changed to:]

Odds plus odds adds up to evens.
Let the curse be on Durwood Stephens.
Make the future be the present,
And zing it to the Dumb Dumb peasant.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

• Script: [Samantha has pulled a breadboard out and is leaning down getting something out of a lower cabinet. Darrin’s voice is heard o.s.]
  DARRIN: Samantha! [Samantha rises, bumps her head on the board and rushes out of the kitchen.]
• Episode: There is no breadboard, so no head bump. Samantha has an arm load of groceries. When Darrin calls, she drops the groceries in surprise, and rushes out of the kitchen.

Stephens’ Entry:

• Script: [Samantha enters and stares at Darrin turned old.]
  DARRIN: Well, say something.
  SAMANTHA: Oh, mother!
  DARRIN: Is that all you can say?
  SAMANTHA: [a] What can I say . . .except . . .[b] you look quite handsome for your age.
• Episode: [Samantha enters, sees Darrin and emits a gurgling scream.] The line between [a] and [b] is cut.

ACT I

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script:
  DARRIN: My feelings for your mother go beyond anger. I mean anybody who could do this thing is sick and a sick witch should be pitied [a] [soberly to Samantha] Why did she do it?
  SAMANTHA: Well, she was trying to prove something.
  DARRIN: You mean there was a reason for this insanity?
  SAMANTHA: I’m sure she thought so. I said I’d love you forever - - -and this is her way of saying - - -wanna’ bet?
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  DARRIN: . . . .But didn’t we have a date to play bridge with the Tate’s?
  SAMANTHA: I’ll get us out of it. [a] [she picks up the phone and dials]
  DARRIN: What are you going to say?
  SAMANTHA: I’ll say you’re not yourself tonight . . .
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Drive-In Movie:

• Script: [The screen is showing a cartoon feature. There are three cars in the back row, with Darrin’s car in the middle. Typical cartoon music comes from the speaker. Darrin looks in the car mirror. Samantha turns it away.]
  SAMANTHA: Darrin.
  DARRIN: Sorry. [She snuggles up close to him and places his arm around her shoulder.] [a] I feel funny necking in a drive in . . .I’m old enough to be your . . .
  SAMANTHA: Husband. [b][Two teenagers react to what they see and the boy makes a peace sign.]
• Episode: The action on the screen is not shown. The sounds are of gunfire. The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. Added is Samantha kissing Darrin, after which the teenager makes the peace sign, and Samantha returns the sign.

Drive-In Refreshment Stand:

• Script:
  LARRY: . . . .She leaves and goes to a drive-in with somebody who just dropped in from out of town. [a]
  LOUISE: Larry, you could use a brain washing.
  LARRY: You’re right. Sam is a sweet faithful, loving wife who would never do anything to hurt Darrin.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  DARRIN: . . . .That boy doesn’t get anything right. It was my wife.
  LOUISE: Oh, I’m sorry. [a] Where are you from sir?
  SAMANTHA and DARRIN: Montana. Minnesota.
  SAMANTHA: He was born in Minnesota but he grew up in Montana.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Script: LARRY: . . . .You can drop Millicent at our house later. It’s on your way home. [a] Larry helps Millicent into the back seat of the car.
• Episode: At [a], Darrin gets out of the car and holds the seat forward so Millicent can get in the back seat. Millicent, however, crowds into the front seat so she is in the middle.

Tate’s Living Room:

• Script:
  MILLICENT: . . . So I understand you’re from Montana, Grover. What City? [Darrin starts to panic]
  SAMANTHA: Butte.
  MILLICENT: Butte, well isn’t that a mind blower? [a] I have a cousin in Butte. Ted Parkinson?
  DARRIN: Don’t know him.
  MILLICENT: He’s the mayor.
  DARRIN: . . .Personally, that is.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  DARRIN: Samantha, I really think we should make a break for it. [a]
  LARRY: Aw, come on. The evening’s young and you kids are just getting to know each other.
  MILLICENT: I understand you’re a widower, Grover?
  DARRIN: Yes. Caroline left me two years ago April.
  MILLICENT: Isn’t that a coincidence. That’s when my John went to his reward.
  SANANTHA: [to the rescue] Okay, Grandpa, up we go.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room intercut with the Tate Living Room:

• Script: [The phone rings. Samantha picks it up]
  SAMANTHA: Hello.
  LARRY: [on phone with Samantha] Sam? Larry.
  SAMANTHA: [whispers to Darrin] Larry. [Darrin puts his ear to the receiver]
  LARRY: I couldn’t wait for you to get home so I could tell you what a big impression Grover made on Aunt Millicent.
  DARRIN: [whispers] I’m all goose bumpy.
  LARRY: Does he like her?
  SAMANTHA: Well, he didn’t say very much.
  LARRY: He’s speechless, huh? Great. Okay. Now let me talk to Darrin. [Darrin shakes no].
  SAMANTHA: He can’t come to the phone right now.
  LARRY: I wanted to remind him about the luncheon meeting tomorrow with Jennings Booker. I hope he’ll feel up to it because I have a board meeting in the morning and won’t be able to make it.
  SAMANTHA: I’m sure he’ll be okay by then.
  DARRIN: If I don’t kill myself.
  LARRY: Well, tell him to get a good night’s sleep. Bye. [Samantha hangs up the phone]
  DARRIN: This is terrible. Suppose your mother doesn’t turn me back by noon tomorrow?
  SAMANTHA: We could tell Larry you took a turn for the worse. Couldn’t he handle the meeting?
  DARRIN: [grudgingly] I guess so.
• Episode: The entire above scene is cut.

ACT II

Restaurant:

• Script: The script describes Jennings Booker as a handsome, tanned athletic type in his early thirties sitting in a booth.
• Episode: Jennings Booker is an average looking executive in his fifties seated at a table.
  
  
• Script:
  LARRY: I don’t follow you at all, Mr. Booker. [a]
  BOOKER: Beau Geste is a product for the young and it needs a young man’s thinking.
  LARRY: That part I follow. And let me tell you that young Mr. Stephens . . . .
  BOOKER: Now cut that out, Mr. Tate. Your Mr. Stephens is too old for the job and you know it.
  LARRY: Thirty-seven is too old?
  BOOKER: Say that again.
  LARRY: Thirty-seven.
  BOOKER: Thirty-seven plus thirty-seven adds up to seventy… something… that’s how old he looks to me.
  LARRY: Oh, well, he’s been sick.
  BOOKER: Nonsense, he’s a very healthy looking seventy.
• Episode: After [a] the rest of the scene is cut.
  
  
• Script:
  LARRY: . . .but it isn’t really nice of you to pass yourself off as Darrin. [a]
  DARRIN: Why should I want to pass myself off as that young punk?
  BOOKER: My dear man, you certainly gave the impression that you were employed by Mr. Tate.
  DARRIN: Well I am, in a way.
  LARRY: [loudly] In what way?
  DARRIN: Lower your voice young fella. You’re not in a waterfront saloon. [b] Now what’s everybody getting so het up about? Darrin got up this morning with an infected throat that could destroy the city. What could the kid do?
  LARRY: He could have called the office.
  DARRIN: Whatever for, when I was available? [c]
  LARRY: Look, old timer, this is the advertising business and it’s not in the same league as checkers.
  DARRIN: Don’t talk down to me, Sonny. I got more advertising know how in my little finger than you have in all that flab.[d]
• Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] and between [c] and [d] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script:
  LOUISE: . . .as long as they can be together.[a]
  SAMANTHA: But Grover likes to watch the wrestling matches.
  LARRY: Good, then that’s settled.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  OLD SAMANTHA [as CAROLINE]: What’s the matter Grover? Cat got your tongue?
  DARRIN: Uh, hello there. [a]
  MILLICENT: Who is this woman, Grover?
  OLD SAMANTHA: [as she gives Millicent the once over] That’s just the question I was going to ask. And don’t tell me she’s the Avon lady. You used that the last time.
  MILLICENT: Grover, who is this woman?
  DARRIN: Uh . . .
• Episode: All lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  OLD SAMANTHA: You can’t say it often enough - -He needs reminding. [a]
  LOUISE: You said you were a widower.
  OLD SAMANTHA: He wishes he were.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script:
  SAMANTHA: . . .and this young chick will look like a matched set. [a]
  DARRIN: That’s what I mean - - -you’ll look old on the outside, but you’ll be young on the inside.
  SAMANTHA: Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. [b] [She gestures and turns into a projection of herself thirty years from now. She’s a chic, gray haired sixty] How’s that?
  DARRIN: [smiles] I can’t tell. Pucker up. [c]
• Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. Added at this point are Samantha’s lines, “How about a little preview? [ages] How’s that?” After [c] Darrin and Samantha kiss. Darrin has the line added, “You’re an oldie but a goodie.”

# 211, The Corsican Cousins

REVIEWER’S NOTE: There are two versions of the script available for this review. The first is Noted as the “Final Draft”, and dated 6/19/70. The second is called the “Revised Final Draft” and dated 8/29/70. The second version will be used for the review. While both versions feature Darrin being invited to join a country club and the “Corsican Cousin” spell that Endora puts on Samantha and Serena to discourage Samantha from joining the club, there are several major differences between the two scripts. At the times that the scripts diverge, a note will be put in explaining the action in the first version.

TEASER

Stephens’ Entry Hall:

• Script: Darrin enters. He and Larry have just played a round of golf with Mr. Nichols, a prospective client, who has asked Darrin to join his country club.
• Episode: The prospective client’s name is Langley. We are later told that it is J. J. Langley.
  Reviewer’s Note: In the original script Darrin enters and asks Samantha if she would like to take up golf again, which is his way of telling her that he wants to join the club. In this case, it is the club that Larry belongs to, and Mr. Nichols was only Larry’s guest.
  
  
• Script:
  SAMANTHA: I’ve been meaning to ask, how come Mr. Nichols is president of Bigelow Industries?
  DARRIN: The rumor is that Bigelow did something to offend Mr. Nichols and the next thing he knew he was out. Happens all the time.
• Episode: Darrin’s lines are changed to “The rumor is that Mr. Langley quietly garnered the majority of the stock and the next thing Bigelow knew he was out”.
  
  
• Script: The script says that Darrin will play a round of golf with three of the members, and Samantha will entertain three of the ladies.
• Episode: The number of players and ladies is cut to two.

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script:
  ENDORA: [interrupting] It isn’t easy, but I’ll try, Samantha, my dearest .[a] You can’t be serious about joining that country club.
  SAMANTHA: Mother, eavesdropping is beneath you!
  ENDORA: I was not eavesdropping. Your conversation just happened to be in my landing pattern. [worried shake of her head]. [b] Can’t you see what that feeble excuse for a husband is doing to you? He’s turned you into a live in maid, an unpaid cook and baby-sitter, and now he’s forcing you to submit to the environment of a country club which is basically a meeting place for organized mortal snobs. [c]
  SAMANTHA: Mother, you’re over reacting.
  ENDORA: [dramatically] Oh, my dearest, where is that free spirit I once knew . . . .so full of pride and fire? Can’t you see you’re letting yourself become earth-bound? Soon I won’t be able to spot you in a crowd. [d]
  SAMANTHA: [smiles as she rises] Mother, I’d love to sit here and bicker, but I’ve got a wash to get going, beds to change, and the breakfast dishes still aren’t done. [e]
  ENDORA: [rising] Wait! [she waves and a horse collar appears around Samantha’s neck.]
  SAMANTHA: I know I’ll be sorry I asked, but why?
  ENDORA: You work like a horse, you might as well look like one.
  SAMANTHA: I was right. [Endora waves and the horse collar disappears.]
• Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut, as are the lines between [c] and [d]. The lines between [d] and [e] are changed to “Mother, I’d love to sit here and bicker, but I have to get lunch”. The lines after [e] are also cut.
  
  
• Script: ENDORA: [spell to make Samantha and Serena like the “Corsican Brothers”]

The Corsican Brothers were hexed by a spell,
That’ll work on cousins just as well.
From this point on, with no further ado,
What Serena feels, Samantha will too.

• Episode: The second line is changed to “Which will work on cousins just as well”.

ACT I

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script: [This scene immediately follows Serena’s Limbo line “I’m not that ticklish”.]
  LARRY: As a matter of fact, the only reason the club has an opening is that Ralph Dunhill and his wife split up after twenty years of marriage. Poor guy - - -he’s taking it very hard.
  SAMANTHA: That’s terrible. [She suddenly starts to giggle, trying in vain to stifle her giggles and to her reaction to the tickling]
  LARRY: Personally, I think he’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
  SAMANTHA: Oh, how awful. [she begins gigging again]
  DARRIN: [to Samantha] What’s so funny about that?
  SAMANTHA: [giggling] Nothing. I can’t tell you how awful I feel about it.
• Episode: The above scene is entirely cut.

Limbo:

• Script: [Serena and Clark are still seated at the table, and consulting menus]
  SERENA: Hmmm, rock cornish hen with wild rice. Doesn’t that sound out of sight?
• Episode: This scene is cut.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

• Script: SAMANTHA: It does look good . . .but why do I have this sudden craving for rock cornish hen with wild rice?
• Episode: Rock cornish hen with wild rice is replaced with “Ring tailed pheasant”. This substitution takes place throughout the following scenes.
  
  
• Script:
  DARRIN: Don’t you think you ought to get in touch with Dr. Bombay and let him check you out . . .I’m not too fond of him but under the circumstances, I’m willing to overlook my hatred.
  SAMANTHA: [getting desperate] Darrin, let’s not stand around. I’ve got to get my rock cornish hen.
  DARRIN: [following] In your condition, I’m not letting you go alone - -I’ll drive you.
• Episode: The above scene is cut.

Supermarket:

• Script: [Serena has begun to dance to rock music. So does Samantha.]
  DARRIN: [a] Sam, what are you doing?
  SAMANTHA: I think I’m dancing . [b]
  DARRIN: Will you stop that before they throw us out?
  SAMANTHA: I can’t! Whatever it is that’s wrong with me, it doesn’t have any rhyme or reason . . .just rhythm’.
  DARRIN: Sam!
  SAMANTHA: Just a little tension breaker.
  DARRIN: I tried to call Larry and have him cancel Mrs. Nichols but the line was busy.
• Episode: Before [a] is added the line, “I tried to call Larry, but his line is busy”. All lines after [b] are cut.
  
  
• Original Script: When Samantha starts to dance, a nearby hippie grabs two oatmeal boxes, and using them as drums, sets a beat for Samantha to dance to. The supermarket manager arrives, saying he doesn’t set the prices, so why is Samantha protesting. Darrin takes the cart and exits. Samantha , at home, chides him for leaving her. Darrin replies someone had to be free to bail her out of jail.

Stephens’ House:

• Script:
  SAMANTHA: To take us by surprise. It’s an old female trick used by old females. [a]
  DARRIN: We’ve got to get rid of them. I’ll tell you what - - you faint - -I’ll catch you - -explain you’ve got a little flu bug and . . .
  SAMANTHA: [interrupting] It’ll never work. Larry will think we were stalling - -[b] they’re here now so let’s just make the best of it.
• Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.
  
  
• Script: Mrs. Nichol’s co-chairman is Mrs. Raphael.
• Episode: Mrs. Langley’s co-chairman is Mrs. Hunter.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

• Script: [As the visitors are seated in the Living Room, Darrin and Samantha enter the Kitchen.]
  DARRIN: Sam, here’s what we’ll do. I’ll drop a pan and then I’ll carry into the living room and up the stairs . . .I’ll say you’re just getting over a bad case of flu. . . .
  SAMANTHA: Darrin, don’t panic.
  DARRIN: You have to admit a bad case of flu is a lot better than a bad case of whatever you’ve got.
• Episode: The above scene is cut.

Limbo:

• Original Script: Clark’s wife has shown up. He tries to hide under the table, pretending to look for a lost cuff link. His wife sees him and drags him off with a comment to Serena that he doesn’t own a shirt with French cuffs.
  
  
• Script: [Clark’s wife has dragged him off and Endora has joined Serena.]
  SERENA: The beast didn’t tell me he was married.
  ENDORA: Since when does that bother you?
  SERENA: Fooling around with a married man really turns me on. [pouting] He didn’t tell me so I missed all that extra fun. I hate men! All men!
  ENDORA: Well, at least that’s a change of pace for you.
• Episode: The above scene is cut.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

• Script:
  SAMANTHA: Spell or no spell - - you’re bugging me. [a]
  DARRIN: Sam, you’ve never talked to me this way before..
  SAMANTHA: Maybe it’s about time I did.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

ACT II

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Original Script: Larry arrives with three ladies.
  
  
• Script:
  SAMANTHA: We haven’t started yet and you’re not helping.
  LARRY: [startled] I beg your pardon? [a]
  SAMANTHA: Larry, if you came here to keep Darrin company, why don’t you go do it?
  DARRIN: [to Larry] She’s a little nervous.
  SAMANTHA: Oh, for Pete’s sake, how long are you two men going to stand around like bumps on a log?
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Original Script: Endora tells Serena that she put a spell on Samantha to make her feel everything that Serena does. In the revised script, Endora refuses to tell Serena what she has done.
  
  
• Script:
  MRS. RAFAEL: No, you can barely notice they’re burned. [Samantha starts to sniffle] [a]
  MRS. NICHOLS: My, dear, the canapés aren’t that important.
  SAMANTHA: [through her tears] It’s not the canapés [meaningfully aware] But I wish I knew what it was.
  MRS. RAFAEL: Are we upsetting you?
  SAMANTHA: You? Not at all. I’m just delighted to have you here. Delighted.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Original Script: When the ladies tell Samantha they have one member from Brooklyn, Samantha asks how many they have from Harlem?
  
  
• Script: MRS. NICHOLS: We seem to have caught her at a bad time.
• Episode: Samantha has the line added: “Oh, no. Anytime would have been a bad time”.

Stephens’ Entry:

• Script: LARRY: Sit down, sit down.
• Episode: LARRY: Sit down. Samantha’s not really herself today, but I’m sure in no time we will find out . . . .sit down.
  
  
• Script:
  DARRIN: Or his closest relative who happens to be your mother! [a] [Endora POPS in]
  ENDORA: Something not to your liking, Dumb-Dumb?
  SAMANTHA: Hiya there, Mom. How’s the old girl?
  DARRIN [violently to Endora] You did this, didn’t you?
  ENDORA: Whatever do you mean?
  DARRIN: Put some kind of a dumb spell on Sam to make her act crazy!
  SAMANTHA: [crossing index fingers] Yes you did, Mom. Shame, shame on you!
  ENDORA: [voice rising] I do not put dumb spells on anybody.
  SAMANTHA: Shhhh!
  ENDORA: [continues in a harsh whisper] This one was rather clever, in fact. And I only did it so that you could experience some of the good things your cousin Serena enjoys. But, I caught her at a bad moment and I guess I gave her a little over-dose of happiness . . . .so it’s all for naught.
  DARRIN: I beg to differ with you! There are two ladies from the membership committee in there who have been shocked out of their skulls.
  ENDORA: [pleased] You’re right. It wasn’t a wasted effort after all. [she snaps her fingers and disappears].
  SAMANTHA: Bye-bye, Moms.
• Episode: All of the lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Original Script: As the ladies get ready to depart, Endora arrives with Serena, who along with Samantha is stinking drunk. They both make a scene to further embarrass the ladies. Larry offers to take the three ladies home, but they refuse, saying that they will take a cab. Endora, being more hateful than usual, turns the three ladies into ostriches. Endora then waves and POPS out. Larry sees all of this and cannot believe what he has seen. Serena passes out in Larry’s arms, and Samantha passes out on the couch. Larry is so drunk himself that when he sees the three ostriches next to his car, he climbs in the back and orders one of the ostriches to drive.

TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Original Script: Darrin shakes Samantha awake, telling her to get her mother back and turn the ladies back. Endora returns the ladies back to normal. Samantha also asks Endora to remove the spell from her and cure her hangover. Endora and Serena pop out. Samantha tells Darrin that maybe the club will give them another chance, but who wants to join a club that has ostriches for members.
  The above is in place of the TRAILER scene from the Revised Script and the Episode.
  
  
• Script:
  SAMANTHA: And Darrin would have told you but you’d never have believed him. [a]
  LARRY: Why didn’t you try me?
  DARRIN: You know how stubborn you are.
  LARRY: [confused] Yeah . . .well . . .[then] Premonition - -huh? [b]
  SAMANTHA: [smiling brightly] That’s right.
  DARRIN: Don’t tell anybody, Larry - -but I’m married to a witch.
  LARRY: [laughs] It’ll be our secret - -you son-of-a-gun [continues to laugh and then hollowly] Well, I just wanted to tell you the good news. [He exits]
• Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. Added are:
  LARRY: Premonition, huh?
  DARRIN: Let’s have a little drink on it.

# 212, Samantha’s Magic Potion

TEASER

Stephens’ Kitchen:

• Script:
  SAMANTHA: So you’ve been in a little slump [shrugs] [a] It happens to everybody. It’s nothing to worry about.
  DARRIN: When it happens to normal everybodies. . .with normal mothers-in-law, it’s nothing to worry about. But when you have Typhoid Mary for a mother-in-law, it’s something to worry about if you follow me, which I’m sure you do.
  SAMANTHA: What are you suggesting?
  DARRIN: [shakes his head] I don’t know. The savings and loan account is not the
  only one I’ve been having trouble with. [b] Are you sure your mother hasn’t been fooling around?
• Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  ENDORA [grimacing] Great Hector’s Ghost! What a revolting thought! [a]
  DARRIN: You know what she means.
  SAMANTHA: You know what I mean. Darrin’s had a run of bad luck at the office lately and we just want to be sure that you aren’t meddling.
  ENDORA: He’s an expert at failure. Why would he need my help?
  DARRIN: Endora, you have all the charm of a hooded cobra.
  ENDORA: Apparently half of this household resents my presence . . .so . . .
  SAMANTHA: Don’t leave!
  ENDORA: I wasn’t leaving. I was going to remove half of this house-hold.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

ACT I

Darrin’s Office:

• Script: [Mr. Harmon has arrived to view Darrin’s layouts]
  LARRY: . . .He has a great idea.
  HARMON: I’ll be the judge of that.
  LARRY: Yes, of course. [a]
  DARRIN: I’ve done additional market research on your past advertising campaigns and found that the institute type advertising you used was appealing only to the larger investors which I think accounts for the 22% reduction . . .
  HARMON: Stephens, I’m not here to listen to your speeches. Let’s see your ideas.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Script: The script calls for Darrin’s layouts to show an ant, a grasshopper, and a caterpillar.
• Episode: The insects [bugs] shown are a grasshopper, a caterpillar, and a ladybug.

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script: Samantha’s spell to call Dr. Bombay:

Leave your black bag behind
Never mind your thermometer
Just come on the run
With your trusty hexometer.

• Episode: The first line of the spell is changed to: “Never mind the pills”
  
  
• Script: Dr. Bombay goes about setting up his suitcase. When opened, the suitcase is shown to hold an elaborate computer console.
• Episode: When opened, the suitcase is empty. Dr. Bombay zaps up the computer console.
  
  
• Script:
  BOMBAY: Certainly, you don’t think we’d play touch, do you? That would be indecent. [a]
  SAMANTHA: Will you hurry, doctor? You see, we have a very big problem.
  BOMBAY: [looks Darrin up and down] I can see that . . .[to Samantha] Would you like me to get rid of it?
  DARRIN: There’s only one thing worse than a quack - - that’s a corny quack.
  SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, that’s no way to talk to a Doctor. Especially a witch Doctor.
  BOMBAY: [to Samantha] Perhaps you should send him to a head shrinker.
  DARRIN: You mean a psychiatrist?
  BOMBAY: No, I mean a head shrinker [he guffaws loudly into Darrin’s face. Darrin does a burn].
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.
  
  
• Script:
  BOMBAY: Perfectly - - -witchcraft exhaust is clean. Mortal exhaust is dirty. [a]
  DARRIN: [angrily] Terrific! [to Samantha] How long do you think I can stand this constant bugging from your freaked-out family?
  SAMANTHA: [to Bombay] He’s upset.
  BOMBAY: [to Samantha, sympathetically] He’s paranoid.
• Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

• Script: Samantha, wearing a robe, comes down the stairs and heads for the kitchen.
• Episode: This scene is cut.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

• Script: [Samantha enters, puts her hand to her forehead and calls]
  SAMANTHA: Calling Dr. Bombay . . .calling Dr. Bombay. . . .Emergency, come right away. [Dr. Bombay POPS in still in his football suit].
  BOMBAY: Now, what?
  SAMANTHA: I’ve been trying to get you for hours.
  BOMBAY: I’ve been very busy.
  SAMANTHA: [ironic] I can see that. I’ve been up most of the night and I talked to all of my relatives and I can’t find out who put the spell on Darrin. I wonder if you could give me some kind of antidote . . .sort of an over all spell remover.
  BOMBAY: There’s no need for that. The boy doesn’t have a trace of witchcraft in him...
  SAMANTHA: What?!
  BOMBAY: I expected as much when the metaphysical atmospheric continuum was scrambled by my oscillator. And my advice to you is not to tell him because knowing he’s failing on his own might give his delicate psyche a severe bump . . .
  SAMANTHA: But your hexometer clearly showed that . . .
  BOMBAY: My hexometer has been proven to be right nine times out of ten. It occurred to me later, that in cycles of ten, that was it’s tenth use.
  SAMANTHA: Are you sure?
  BOMBAY: How dare you question the diagnosis of the world’s foremost - - -and only - - -authority on curseometry. My dear, you can always depend on me. When I’m wrong, I’m wrong.
  SAMANTHA: Why didn’t you come back and tell us?
  BOMBAY: I couldn’t. I’ve been too busy trying to score on my nurse. [Bombay POPS out].
• Episode: The entire above scene is cut.

Stephens’ Bedroom:

• Script:
  DARRIN: We are my career from now on. You and me. We’ll spend all our time doing things we wouldn’t normally be able to do for twenty years, if ever. [a] So feel free to practice your mumbo-jumbo any time you want. Go ahead, zap up a mink coat.
  SAMANTHA: Darrin, if I want a mink coat, I’ll wai