Thanks to Big Dave (a.k.a. Dr. Bombay) for Inspiration
INT. - DARRIN'S OFFICE, MCMANN &
TATE ADVERTISING AGENCY.
DARRIN: (happily) Mm-hmm. I just made the reservations. Oh, honey, it's going to be wonderful! Just imagine...us...
SAMANTHA, at the other end of the call, is in the living room of 1164 Morning Glory Circle, their home.
SAMANTHA: (grinning) Ten whole years...
LARRY TATE, Darrin's boss, enters the advertising office with MR. LINGSTON, a client. Larry gives Darrin an impatient look as he waits for him to hang up.
Darrin sees them and goes back to the phone.
DARRIN: Sorry, darling, Larrys here with a client. Love you.
Darrin blows a goodbye kiss through the wire. At 1164, Samantha does the same. Then, they both hang up.
LARRY: (scolding) Darrin, I realize that your 10th anniversary is coming up, but you have obligations to take care of with Mr. Lingston here first. (partially to Mr. Lingston) At McMann & Tate, business comes first. A vacation with your wife for two weeks will-
MR. LINGSTON: (congratulatory to Darrin) Stephens, that's fantastic! I always respect a man so devoted to his marriage.
LARRY: (changing his tone to Darrin) Like I was saying, a vacation with your wife for two weeks will be fantastic! (again, partially to Mr. Lingston) At McMann & Tate, family comes first. Have a wonderful time, you son-of-a-gun!
Larry gives Darrin a soft punch on the shoulder. Tate turns to lead Lingston out of the office.
DARRIN: (sarcastically) Gee, thanks, Larr.
Tate ignores the comment. He and Lingston's conversation winds down in the hall outside Darrin's office.
LARRY: (bluffing to the client) You know, Mr. Lingston, I can't tell you how many wonderful years I've spent with my wonderful wife... (trying to remember her name) ...Louise.
MR. LINGSTON: How many years?
LARRY: (at a loss) I...uh, can't tell you. (pauses, frowning) It just seems like forever.
Darrin hears the conversation back at his desk and smirks to himself.
DARRIN: That son-of-a-gun.
INT. - A FEW WEEKS LATER, 1164 MORNING GLORY CIRCLE.
The Stephens are making last-minute preparations for the couple's vacation. ESMERALDA, their maid, is glancing around nervously.
SAMANTHA: Remember, Esmeralda, if you need us, the number's on the fridge, along with how to call for my mother if you sneeze up a little mistake, and if you sneeze up a big mistake- (beat) Well, I don't know what you should do then, with Endoras temper.
ESMERALDA: (timidly) I'll try to be careful, Mrs. Stephens.
DARRIN: (sighing) I certainly hope so. I don't think there's such a thing as allergy insurance.
Esmeralda begins to disappear in embarrassment.
SAMANTHA: (consolingly) Now, now, Esmeralda, don't fade away.You won't have much trouble with the neighbors, at least, even if you do sneeze up something.
Luckily, the Kravitzes are on some respite right now, courtesy of Gladys's psychiatrist, so no one here has to worry about them while we're gone.
TABITHA and ADAM, the Stephens' two young children, turn to hug their parents.
ADAM: I'll miss you, Mommy and Daddy!
TABITHA: Me too!
SAMANTHA: Aw, we'll miss you too!
DARRIN: (lovingly) Don't worry, we'll be back soon.
SAMANTHA: We promise to call and write often!
ESMERALDA: (confused) All right, but why keep in touch with Doctor Bombay's nurse?
SAMANTHA: (laughing) That's not what we meant. Besides, I think he keeps "in touch" with his Nurse Often enough.
Darrin calls from the door.
DARRIN: Come on, Sam, we'll miss the plane!
Once they're both outside and smiling at the waving figures within the house, Samantha gives one last look at it, hoping it won't become a disaster area in the week she and Darrin would be gone.
Despite that possibility, she decides to go and enjoy her anniversary anyway, praying against hurricanes- on the beach and at home.
EXT. - A WARM, STARLIT BEACH ON THE STEPHENS' VACATION.
Sam and Darrin are walking hand in hand along the shore.
DARRIN: (smiling) No one around. Just us. No house to worry about, no work, no magical pop-ins... This is heaven.
Samantha agrees with a kiss.
SAMANTHA: (looking upward) My, the moon looks beautiful tonight.
DARRIN: (jokingly; he knows Sam has been to the moon) You should know.
SAMANTHA: (shocked) DARRIN!
DARRIN: (clarifying) I meant that you look beautiful too.
He gives her a peck on the cheek.
DARRIN: Besides, poor mortals like me are now able to get there without you-know-what.
Darrin tickles his wife's nose.
SAMANTHA: (blissfully) Mm-hmm. Mortals can do wonderful things sometimes.
They engage in a long, passionate kiss. The moment is interrupted only by Darrin looking curious.
DARRIN: Sam, I've been thinking about that.
SAMANTHA: (confused) About what?
DARRIN: How did a beautiful, powerful, wonderful witch like you fall in love with a mere mortal anyway?
SAMANTHA: (smiling) Well, it was easy, when that mortal happened to be you.
DARRIN: (scratching his forehead) Samantha, I'm serious. You and a mortal?!
SAMANTHA: Darrin, you're sounding like my mother.
DARRIN: Sam, if I really wanted to sound like your mother, I'd be calling myself "Durwood" and you a "silly little child".
DARRIN: (half-curious, half-wistful) But I do feel that I'm entitled to some explanation.
SAMANTHA: Well, all right, but we'd better sit down.
Both sit down on the cool sand. Darrin watches Sam intently.
SAMANTHA: I feel a flashback coming on.
FLASHBACK- INT. ENDORA AND MAURICE'S HOME, SURROUNDED BY CLOUDS.
Samantha's parents, Endora and Maurice, are fighting.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): To begin with, despite the looks of the locale, my home life wasn't exactly heaven.
ENDORA: (angrily) Maurice, I just so happen to realize that the young witch I caught you with was NOT a member of your "Shakespeare Club".
MAURICE: (frustrated) Endora, Endora, for the last time, you didn't catch me with her. How could you have? I introduced you to her.
ENDORA: After I found you red-handed. In the act.
MAURICE: For once, you've said something that has actually made sense. I was in the act- of Macbeth, as a matter of fact, and my hands were covered in stage blood.
ENDORA: And the "fire burned and the cauldron bubbled", didn't it?
They continue bickering.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): Arguments like these occurred all too often between my parents. Sometimes it was about John Van Millwood; others it was a "Kitty Girl"; occasionally it involved planet-hopping during inconvenient moments; or maybe even who to invite to their annual Contented Covens Convention.
A YOUNG SAMANTHA covers her ears and tries to ignore her parents' fighting.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): So a lot of times, young as I was, I just wanted to pop out to a simpler place- like the mortal realm.
The young Samantha twitches her nose and appears outside of a 17th-century New England toy shop, then enters it. As the narration continues, the kindly TOYMAKER waves to the little girl. Young Samantha smiles and continues to look at and play with the detailed, hand-crafted toys.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): Sure, my family disapproved. Humans had always been biased against witches, so naturally most of us witches felt the same way towards mortals.
Back at Endora and Maurice's home, Endora notices that their daughter has popped out again. She scowls at Maurice, rolls her eyes, and pops out to the toy shop.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): Every time my mother would catch me "mortal-mingling", she'd zap to wherever I was and reprimand me for even talking to the "inferior race."
As the narration continues, Endora walks into the shop, stares at the toymaker, and grabs young Samantha by the arm in a huff. Mother and daughter walk out, Sam reluctantly so as she puts back a blonde-haired doll.
On the street in front of the shop, Endora scolds Sam harshly and scoots her down the street.
As they begin to fade out, the young Samantha gives a wistful glance at the toy shop until the two witches disappear completely.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): But for some reason, mortals still intrigued me, though I couldn't quite put my nose on exactly why...
EXT. -BACK ON THE BEACH
DARRIN: (running his fingers through Samantha's hair) I'd love to find out why.
SAMANTHA: (lovingly) I think you already know the answer to that.
DARRIN: And if I didn't, per se?
SAMANTHA: Then you'd soon find out.
FLASHBACK- INT. ROLLO'S HOME IN THE COSMOS
SAMANTHA (V.O.): Rollo was the kind of warlock any witch would have wanted. He had a nice cloud, a good reputation, and tenable powers.
Rollo, Samantha's polished warlock beau at the time, zaps her up a rose.
ROLLO: For you, my love.
SAMANTHA: (smelling it) It's beautiful.
ROLLO: (cooing) Not nearly as much as you are. (kisses her) Now, where would you like to go tonight? Venice? Tokyo? Madrid? Neptune? Just say the magic words and I'll zap us off to paradise.
SAMANTHA: It doesn't matter to me. Anyway, I can-
ROLLO: (interrupting) Dont tire out your dear little nose on that. I'll take care of it.
SAMANTHA: Well, if you insist.
ROLLO: I do.
Rollo pops the two of them out.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): We rematerialized elsewhere. I opened my eyes to a very familiar place.
They appear in a New York City park facing the Statue of Liberty.
SAMANTHA: New York City?
ROLLO: Yes. Endora told me about your mortal ventures, and that this is one of the places you frequently come to. So, I'm going to try and find out why in the world you have a fetish for mortals.
SAMANTHA: (defensively) It's not a fetish. It's just an open mind, that's all.
ROLLO: (gazing at the Statue of Liberty, not paying attention to what Samantha just said) Impossible. There is no way they could have made this thing without witchcraft.
SAMANTHA: You'd be surprised. (excitedly) Come on. I'll show you more.
The couple pops out. Nearby tourists look confused.
TOURIST: (shrugging to another) I guess this really is a country of miracles.
FLASHBACK- INT. DEPARTMENT STORE
Sam and Rollo appear. The warlock examines his surroundings like a professor.
ROLLO: So this is how humans get the things they cant zap up...
SAMANTHA: (authoritatively) Uh-huh.
They walk past a display of operating television sets, showing the news of the day.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): I explained to Rollo about the objects like a museum tour guide.
SAMANTHA: ...And this is how they know what's happening in the world.
They stand and watch the mortal-made screens.
ROLLO: (disgusted, but aloof) You know, it's just appalling what they're doing to their own kind.
Samantha sighs in sad agreement.
ROLLO: (dubiously) How could you like someone who does that? And is anti-witch?
SAMANTHA: Not all of them are bad, Rollo. I've even met a few. Some of them are actually very nice.
ROLLO: (beat) You poor girl! Endora was right- these trips of yours are stopping you from thinking straight. Lets get out of here, quick...
SAMANTHA: But I feel fine!
Rollo zaps them out before Sam can finish.
EXT. -BACK ON THE BEACH
DARRIN: Is this the Rollo who accidentally spiked your mother's drink with that love potion?
SAMANTHA: That's the one.
Sam picks up a nearby seashell that somewhat resembles the fateful martini glass.
DARRIN: And those "very nice mortals" you met- was one of them me?
SAMANTHA: (grinning) Mm-hmm. And I sure am glad of it.
DARRIN: I'll kiss to that.
They do. By now, their voices are the only ones heard on the dark beach. Even the seagulls have quieted down for the night, leaving just the rolling waves for sound.
SAMANTHA: In fact, after we bumped into each other-
SAMANTHA: (giggling) Yeah. And after we became good friends, I had the funny feeling that fate had drawn me an unusual card...
FLASHBACK- INT. SERENA'S GROOVY HOME.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): I decided to go to an expert on men to help me with my love life. (beat) My cousin.
SAMANTHA: Serena, can I ask for your advice about something?
SERENA: Sure, Sammy. What's buggin' you?
SAMANTHA: My problem is- well, that Im torn between two men.
SERENA: (scoffs) Why's that a problem? I'm torn between more than a dozen men and I love every lovin' second of it!
SAMANTHA: I dont think you understand. How do I choose?
SERENA: (rolling her eyes) Well, if you MUST choose, it's easy. Just pick the fella who's better in-
SAMANTHA: (interrupting) Never mind, Serena, I'll sort this one out on my own.
SERENA: (summoning a flying fingernail paint brush over to her) Don't worry, Cous. Someday, when you're as beautiful and alluring as I am, you won't have to worry about pet-ty lit-tle prob-lems like that anymore. Remember: "It's not the men in your life that count; it's the life in your men."
SAMANTHA: Thank you, Mae West.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): I decided I'd find more useful information at Aunt Clara's.
Samantha disappears and pops into...
FLASHBACK- INT. CLARA'S CLUTTERED HOME.
AUNT CLARA: (stuttering and searching frantically around; not noticing Samantha's presence) Oh, pinsticks and fiddlefeathers...
SAMANTHA: Hi, Aunt Clara, Im sorry for coming in on such short notice.
AUNT CLARA: (looks up) Oh, hello, Samantha, I'm so glad you're here! You see, I seem to have misplaced a mountain lion I zapped up.
SAMANTHA: (shocked) A mountain lion?!
AUNT CLARA: (concerned) Yes. I was trying to paint a picture of it for Ocky, and the minute I turned around, the mountain lion was gone, and in its place was a cougar!
SAMANTHA: (knowingly) Um, Aunt Clara?
AUNT CLARA: I knew Ocky would have loved that painting too. Its a shame. A real shame that I cant paint it now. Ocky adores regal things like mountain lions.
SAMANTHA: But Aunt Clara-
AUNT CLARA: Terribly naughty of that cougar to trick me into thinking that he was my mountain lion, so I zapped him away.
SAMANTHA: Aunt Clara, I think I know why you can't find your mountain lion.You zapped it away.
AUNT CLARA: (fretting) I did? Dear me, I can't even remember things I've zapped! It's finally happened. My memory's going.
SAMANTHA: (tenderly) Now, don't you worry, because it's not. Aunt Clara, the mountain lion and the cougar were the same animal.
AUNT CLARA: (eyes widening) That impish cat! He must've tricked you too!
SAMANTHA (V.O.): I gave up on the subject and moved on to my problem.
SAMANTHA: Aunt Clara, the reason I popped in here was because I wanted to ask you something. About my love life.
AUNT CLARA: Here's some advice: Whatever you do, don't try to paint him a picture.
Samantha stifles a laugh, but then quickly goes back to being serious.
SAMANTHA: You're my favorite aunt, and you're one of the most understanding witches I know, so I'd like your advice on a problem.
AUNT CLARA: (reassuringly) Anything, dear.
Samantha takes a breath.
SAMANTHA: Well, to begin with, Rollo and I haven't been quite the same. I mean, he's the same, and I'm the one who's moved on. I'm not that happy around him anymore, and I don't know why. There's no doubt that he's a great warlock, but getting whatever I want to get, going wherever I want to go, living wherever I want to live...The whole thing seems to have lost its charm- (pauses; perplexed) Listen to me- a witch denying her own heritage. Whats wrong with me?
Aunt Clara puts a loving hand on her niece's shoulder.
AUNT CLARA: There isn't anything wrong with you, Samantha. Now, I know that my own powers aren't what they used to be, and so I've even had to do a few things the mortal way, like picking up things, putting on clothing by hand, or even walking to places. And when I do, the strangest thing happens- I feel proud of myself. I accomplished something the hard way.
SAMANTHA: (thinking) The hard way...like a mortal.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): My mind flashed back to the department store. "This is how humans get the things they cant zap up...."
AUNT CLARA: Yes, like a mortal. Despite the faults in their world, most humans are very honorable for that...doing things the hard way, I mean.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): Aunt Clara may have seemed dense to anyone else, but I knew she had wisdom and common sense in her that rivaled King Solomon.
SAMANTHA: (realizing) So that's why I'm not so happy around Rollo. He can give me anything in the world and beyond, but it wouldn't mean a thing! It would be nothing to him. (beat) Aunt Clara, can I ask you another question, if you promise not to tell anyone?
AUNT CLARA: Of course. What are favorite aunts for?
SAMANTHA: (softly) I met a mortal man a while back in New York City, and I fell in love with him. (meekly) Is that a bad thing?
AUNT CLARA: (happily) Samantha, dear, that's wonderful!
SAMANTHA: (surprised) You're not shocked?
AUNT CLARA: Well, is he kind?
SAMANTHA: (smiling) He's charming.
AUNT CLARA: Is he single?
SAMANTHA: Ever since he broke up with his fiancee.
AUNT CLARA: Is he handsome?
AUNT CLARA: Romantic?
AUNT CLARA: Is he good to you?
SAMANTHA: He's funny, passionate, sweet, and considerate.
AUNT CLARA: Does he have an unattached uncle around my age?
They both laugh.
AUNT CLARA: The boy sounds wonderful to me, Samantha. And as your aunt, I know that you deserve the best.
SAMANTHA: (beaming) And it doesn't even bother you that he's mortal?
AUNT CLARA: Not a bit. (cautioning) But more than likely, it will to your parents.
SAMANTHA: They're just going to have to accept it.
Sam states that triumphantly, but knows deep down that Endora and Maurice probably wouldn't ever accept it.
AUNT CLARA: Does he know that you're a witch?
SAMANTHA: (heart sinking) No. But I'm afraid that if I tell him, I'll lose him.
Aunt Clara looks at her knowingly.
AUNT CLARA: (smiling) I trust you, Samantha, and I have a feeling that whatever you decide to do, it will turn out all right.
Sam jumps up and hugs her.
SAMANTHA: Oh, thank you so much! For all of the insight, the understanding, everything!
AUNT CLARA: (genial) It's the least I could do. (stands upright, puts her arms out in front of her) Now, to get back to my painting: (casting a spell)
And for the
painting, a little fix-up:
Bring me a mountain lion and avoid a mix-up.
A big cat appears before her.
SAMANTHA: That's fantastic! Aunt Clara, it worked!
AUNT CLARA: (disappointed) No, it didn't. Oh dear, I'm the dumbest witch of all. Now I've popped up a puma.
Samantha giggles, gives her favorite aunt a kiss, and pops out.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): As I zapped out with a new mission in mind [and a smile on my face], I wrote a mental note to get Aunt Clara a dictionary for Christmas.
EXT. -BACK ON THE BEACH
SAMANTHA: (finishing her story) ...and thats it! Aunt Clara ended up with a Funk & Wagnalls, Rollo ended up with the only blot on his record with women, I ended up with you, and Ocky ended up with a tiger picture to avoid confusion. And we all lived happily ever after. Mostly.
DARRIN: (holding Samantha close) All I can say is, wow, what a story. (pauses) I always did like Aunt Clara- she was the only one of your relatives who didn't intentionally make my life miserable.
SAMANTHA: That's my favorite aunt for you!
DARRIN: She did it unintentionally.
SAMANTHA: Darrin! After all that-
DARRIN: Relax, honey, I'm kidding. She was right. Even if I have to slave away under a boss like Larry Tate, I do it because I love you.
SAMANTHA: And I love you. And I'm glad I made the right choice about mortals, funny though they may be.
As they walk back to the hotel, Darrin gives Sam the same look he did before she began her story.
DARRIN: Sam, I've been thinking about that too.
SAMANTHA: (jokingly) Darrin, I'm tired. Don't make me start another story tonight.
DARRIN: This time, I'm the one doing the talking, so don't worry. This is something I should have said a long time ago.
DARRIN: (acting official) That I, Darrin Stephens, hereby grant the lovely witch Samantha Stephens full permission to use her Natural Talents of Witchcraft whenever and wherever she wants to.
Samantha nods her head in approval.
SAMANTHA: (playing along) I have a declaration to make as well.
DARRIN: (still with royal demeanor) Proceed, dear lady.
SAMANTHA: I, Samantha Stephens, hereby accept the statement with gratitude. But since the statement has a clause in which the subject may use her Witchcraft whenever and wherever she wants to at her disposal, I hereby choose to only use my Natural Talents when the situation calls for it.
Darrin steps out of character and hugs his wife.
DARRIN: Even without my little speech, that's always happened anyway, hasn't it?
SAMANTHA: Darrin, I already told you- I prefer doing things in the everyday mortal manner. It just means more.
Suddenly, an all-too-familiar voice shrieks from one of the hotel balconies.
DARRIN: (scared) What the...
SAMANTHA: (groaning) This can't be happening. Of all places, why did Gladys' respite have to be here?!
GLADYS: (screaming) Abner! ABNER! She just admitted it!
DARRIN: Would this be a situation calling for a twitch?
She twitches her nose.
GLADYS: Abner, wake up! Mrs. Stephens just admitted shes a- (she slumps in a slumber over the railing)zzzzzzz....
DARRIN: (complementing) Nice work.
SAMANTHA: Thank you. Now that that little unexpected event's over, how about we go back to our room and call to see how Esmeralda and the kids are doing at the house.
DARRIN: Marvelous idea- at least if we still have a house. (slyly) And after that, you can try out Serena's method of deciding who's the best man.
SAMANTHA: Sounds good to me. (teasing) But I don't know; it seems like a wasted cause, considering that I married the man already.
DARRIN: So love is stronger than witchcaft?
SAMANTHA: Oh, please. (kisses him) I've always known that.
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